I think I hate typing up sn# the most. There is no good way of doing it, you can't use both hands to type because they are all almost identical adn you need to use one hand to keep track of where you are on the page,
you can't just use the keypad (as lovely as that would be) because they have letters mixed in. I seem to end up pecking away as if I did not know anything about typing. Solution: put off doing work that was due a week ago and watch porn

I have realized that my obsession with betrayal and redemption hides a deeper microcosmic significance for me. I constantly feel as if I have not lived up to some state I am supposed to achieve. I daydream about achieving power and controll over my life, then get angry at myself for dreaming rather then doing. I seek escape from my life rather then change it constantly. I regret my life to this point completely, and from time to time toy with changing it. Unfortunately I also doubt myself and obsess about some dramatic redemption, some complete rebirth and constantly pretend that I am on the verge of killing off the old self that I hate and becoming what I am 'destined to be' Obviously this has not happened. In a few ways my life has gotten better over the last decade, in some ways worse, there have been a lot of lost opportunities, and many things that I have lost for good and will never forgive myself for being careless with. All in all the fact that I have not done anything worth while ways on me the heaviest. All the destruction would be worth something if there had been some gain... I need to start learning the skills I want, and creating the things I want to see, but I don't know how to change and I am almost 25. I can't believe in some twist of fate to pull my life together, and now matter how many drastic rebirths I think I am going through in the end I loath myself and will do nothing to have the life I want. Because I like betraying myself

the old whore rebellion is tickling my balls.

hi tech dream machine experiments coming soon

So my new goal is to have a soundtrack to crucifixion at least in ruff form my crucifixion day, and a job to afford the equipment by new years. The motley group pf musicians I am getting together still has openings. I need to practise cure songs on my guitar now...

cheap gin!

... but I can't get rid of this hangover

can smoke talk on the phone and shave my balls at the same time

Why is it that it is so hard to do anything in Pittsburgh. It seems like everything requires large amounts of effort on my part. Even things that I would expect to be easy. I don't see other people doing this, it seems like no matter what people say they are absorbed by the trivia of everyday and incapable of doing more.
I realize that I have not been the most self directed or forceful person in the past. Yet I could always find people going in the same direction I was. It seems I need to take the lead but there is nobody willing to come along

drivel now lets me type updates into livejournal conveniantly

why can I never ever go to sleep

I am rereading the invisibles and listening to games without frontiers on continuous play. this seems to be the year that I really explore my desire for rebellion.

I hate cops, always have, but today they fixed a problem for me. I wish to god it had not been necessary, but they did. One of my friends became drunk and belligerent. Out of the blue the normally hip and sarcastic friend became socially aware, declared that I am a privileged bastard who was holding him down, and got violent... I have done more for the truly underprivileged then he ever has. I currently do more then he ever has. I tried to put out a fire he started when he fell over with a lit cigarette. He started taking swings at me. I choked him out and tried to put him to bed. He kept fighting every few minutes screaming at one point accused me of being a natzi and oppressing him. I bodily threw him out of the apartment. He lay on the sidewalk screaming and crying. I tried reasoning with him, and then tried to drag him home. I admit that I was very aggressive,and made it clear with physical force where his limits were. Finally the cops showed up, like 5 cars of them and made him leave. I feel relieved. But am I a bad person? I relied on an authority I hate to solve a problem, and used physical force to enforce my will. Yet I did not start the problem, and left many reasonable ways out... In fact I tried to help him at every turn. On some level I hate myself, yet in the face of certain bodily harm is showing that one has greater strength really a immoral?

I am so broke it is not even funny any more. Luckily my new job should start paying soon and I should be back on track in like a month. who would have thought fixing TVs payed better then IT.

milk, burritos, and wine makes my tummy feel weird.

yup, I'm going to build my own controll surface and start playing around with hardware synths
when I have money I'll add in my own recording box to free up processing power and memory on my workstation. Then I can build
still can't figure out how to make a good velocity sensitive keyboard though...

so I have gone totally insane and am trying to build my own midi controll surface and synths. I might be able to save like 300 dollars on equipment and torture myself with midi standards electronics and my lack of sodering skills for weeks!

I have had pleanty of time at home becouse of this and finally configured demudi to work the way I want. Unfortunatly the color schemes I use give me a headache after a few hours. On the other hand it might just be the state of midi under linux with a soundblaster live card...

I nees a new hobby. I bored and disatisfied with my life...

75 computers refurbished in under a week! Now I just need to figure out how to be in 2 places and have a life at the same time I am getting stuff done...